Inadvertent Marxist Social Theory by Fifth Graders

It's officially Thanksgiving Break (do normal people get Wednesday off? My roommate and I are both teachers and sometimes it's hard to remember how the outside world works). I'm thankful for you, blog! 

Perhaps on this Thanksgiving holiday you are reflecting on the first Thanksgiving and, more broadly, our nation's heinous treatment of its indigenous people. We haven't gotten there yet in 5th grade social studies, but we're close. We're in a unit on the Age of Exploration, and we just covered the Aztecs and the Incas, and the Spanish conquest thereof. The kids wrote short responses on both, responding to the question "How and why did the Spanish conquer the powerful Inca [or Aztec] society?"

They were supposed to simply pull evidence from the texts they read. But some could not contain themselves (or were confused about the assignments... ha, oops) and revealed themselves to be amazing miniature social theorists and politicos, and possibly even fledgling socialists. Observe:

"The Spaniards blocked the Inca's capital. Just like in America we need supplies from China so if someone blocks our supplies we are bored, starved, and killed."

Get this kid to the State Department!

"Just think. You're at home sleeping and your boss comes and attacks you."

As evidence for how/ why Spain undertook conquest, this is both historically inaccurate and nonsensical. As a metaphor for the plight of the proletariat, it is concise, poignant, and spot-on. Read this one a few times in a row. It's getting deeper, isn't it?

But that is not even my favorite young Marxist. The student who wrote the most beautiful line in the English language, is, it turns out, the reincarnation of Karl himself. We're going to call her Karly.

Marx wrote "religion is the opiate of the masses."

Karly wrote "The Spanish conquered the Aztecs by converting them to Catholic people, probably to distract them." 

This is entirely her own thinking. Besides the mention of Catholicism, it does not draw at all from our discussion or the text (again, woops, but... props for critical thinking skills?). To my chagrin as a teacher but delight as a blogger (and also sub-level of delight as a teacher), she continued with this theme in her next essay, on the Incas:

"The second [reason the Spanish conquered the Incas] was because they wanted to convert the Incas to Catholic people. Pizarro would have easily taken over their empire. They would be so into Catholicsy because they would believe so much in god that they wouldn't have done anything to hurt the Spaniards."

Seriously! Here's a fuller version of an actual Karl Marx quote for comparison: "Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people.The abolition of religion as the illusory happiness of the people is the demand for their real happiness. To call on them to give up their illusions about their condition is to call on them to give up a condition that requires illusions."

This last piece I'll leave you with is not from social studies, but from grammar/ vocab class. Amidst a sea of variations on "the politician is from Hawaii" we have:




Happy Thanksgiving, America.

Reunion! And, is this legal?

On Friday I got the chance to visit the school I worked at last year. I haven't felt so much like a (D-list, but still) celebrity since I spent a summer in India and all the people in Amritsar wanted to take pictures with me.

I might have to revise my theory about seventh graders lacking souls. The students I was visiting are seventh graders now, and the warmth they greeted me with had to come from somewhere. Besides being a tutor last year, I was also a teaching assistant and, at the end of the year, a long-term sub. The thing about being a long-term sub is it's sort of like being a teacher, but it's also sort of like being a sub. For a long time. Some kids took advantage. Some kids earned a lot of demerits. Some kids earned a lot of demerits. A handful of last year's sixth grade class would definitively not have called me a friend.

Yet on Friday we were hugging and catching up like old pals. It's amazing how fully they forgive and forget old grudges. I chalked it up to middle school capriciousness, until I realized I was doing the exact same thing.  I was so happy to see them, even the ones who devoted a full month of school to making my job difficult. Oh, Juan! How lovely to see you! Yes, I do remember that time you made obscene hand gestures and got sent out of my class three days in a row... And then I found you harassing a baby kitten by the train station!... fond memories.

Speaking of subbing, let me tell you about how I subbed for another teacher a couple weeks ago and unwittingly discovered the best (possibly unconstitutional) classroom management tool ever.

I was subbing for a colleague who was out for the day, and I was pretty pleased with how things were going. Even E., the biggest behavior issue in the class, was having a good day. While the kids were at recess I remember that I needed to film myself teaching for a reflection exercise, so I set up the camera to film the last two lessons of the day.

When I went back to watch the video I thought I had a good sense of how the lessons had gone and what I wanted to work on. But as I was watching, I noticed something. Because of the way the camera was placed, the video was basically close-up footage of E. with me in the background. And every time E. turned around to track the speaker -- every time he was turned away from me, in other words -- he started making ridiculous faces and trying to distract anyone who could see him. I watched helplessly as, on my video screen, E. made subtle but ridiculous choice after subtle but ridiculous choice, then turned back around angel-faced. He had totally gotten away with it.

Or so he thought. The next day, I pulled E. out of closing circle. I told him I had something to show him. "You know how we teachers sometimes film ourselves teaching, right? Its helpful because we can look back at the videos and think about the choices we made and see what we can do better." Then I turned on the video. "What do you think about the choices you're making in this video?" He was speechless. As he watched his silly faces from the day before, his real-time face was not silly. It was grave.

So, I may have given a kid a life-long paranoia complex, and I'm pretty sure there would be something illegal about this if I had filmed him intentionally, but... E. is not going to be making faces in class for a while.

Fifth grade conversations

I keep losing the papers where I jot down the hilarious things kids say. I have recycled several gems, including another batch of inadvertent poetry and everything from the election.*

But here's anecdote that is now forever etched into my memory. I just got to have this conversation with a parent:

"I'm calling because your son earned a community violation today for using inappropriate language during recess.... Specifically?... The word was balls.... He was angry at another student, and he decided to talk about that student's balls.... On the bright side, when I asked him about it, he showed integrity and admitted that this was inappropriate."

Fifth graders are at a weird age. They're developing a moral compass. They'll push someone off a jungle gym but argue indefatigably at the perceived injustice of the teachers getting pizza when they're not allowed to have pizza (see below). They're old enough to make sexual jokes and comments, yet they're not old enough to understand sarcasm much of the time. They are learning to gauge what is appropriate and inappropriate to say in school. But I too am learning what is appropriate and inappropriate to say around them. Hence, this conversation:

(Necessary background info: We bribe our kids to eat their vegetables with stickers. [Intrinsic motivation is for the anemic.] The stickers are awesome. They are doe-eyed, anthropomorphic vegetables. Cheerful bell peppers, mischievous eggplants, etc.)

5th grader: (Eating an apple) Why do you give us stickers for eating vegetables but not fruits?
Me: Because people just eat fruit. They don't have to be convinced. But for some reason, and I have no idea why because vegetables are delicious, you all have to be convinced to eat vegetables. So we bribe you. With stickers.
5th grader: Why is it okay for teachers to bribe students but not for students to bribe teachers?
Me: You can bribe teachers.
5th grader: We can???

Oops.

Here's the pizza argument:

(More necessary background info: My school has a strong healthy food policy. Among the many items considered contraband is any form of greasy pizza. Also, for an end of trimester treat, our leadership ordered all the teachers... greasy pizza. I did not eat mine in front of the kids, but I did have some set aside.)

5th grader: Why can the teachers have pizza and we can't?!
Me: Okay, I'll tell you. (They all lean in with intrigue) Because this is a special occasion for teachers and we are celebrating, just like you get pizza at your celebrations.
5th grader: What are you celebrating?
Me: Being awesome teachers.
5th grader: But... that's your job!!!
Me: Still.
5th grader: Why do they have to eat it in front of us?
Me: They're not... They're just walking through the cafeteria because it's the only way back to their rooms. They're not trying to wave it in your face.
5th grader: Mr. X just walked by and waved it in our face.

At that I laughed out loud and walked away.

Next time they ask why teachers are allowed to have pizza and students aren't, I'm going to say, to develop your argumentative reasoning.

*This I do remember, from the afternoon on election day: "If Mitt Romney wins, are we going to be poor? I don't want to be poor." And this from a first grader the day after the election: "I made up a nickname for Mitt Romney. Lose Romney." 

My new mantra

I have had this one headache for three days. It varies in intensity and feels like it is located in the nerves that connect my eyeballs to my brain.

This morning, going home and/ or vomiting seemed like viable next steps. But both sounded like a hassle, and after teaching math I realized that being in front of the class was actually an effective way to take my mind off my optic nerves. At recess I was inspired by a small fifth grade girl who got bowled over and, when I offered her a hand to get up, responded "No. I am strong and I can handle things." It was chilling and intense. So I resolved to tough it out.

My lunch duty partner told me that what I have is a migraine and they make medicine for it. So there was hope: I just needed to get through the day, go to CVS, and buy migraine medicine.

Unfortunately, today is Thursday, and on Thursdays I run the afterschool program until 6:00. Usually there are 15-20 kids in my group. But tonight was (apparently) an open house for second grade, meaning a lot of parents left their kids in afterschool until they arrived, meaning I had about 35 kids. Thirty-five children under the age of nine, no structured behavior management system beyond my own devices, one poorly planned game of "who's the leader?" and a migraine. I sent a lot of children to the corner. But if there's one thing I've always said about myself, it's I Am Strong and I Can Handle Things.

Let's skip the part where my bus home was delayed by half an hour because the point of this story is not to garner your pity (I also have chapped lips and a paper cut, FYI). It's to tell you this hilarious ending:

Around 7:30, I finally arrived at CVS to buy my migraine medicine. For a moment, I entertained the thought that the fluorescent lights might aggravate my migraine. This concern was promptly overshadowed by the fact that the smoke detector was going off.

It was blaring. CVS was not on fire. No one was evacuating. They were just going about their business, looking a little perturbed.

What would you do, blog? Go home without medicine for a fourth day of headache? Go into CVS and submit your noise-sensitive migraine to industrial-grade fire alarms?

The only thing that got me through the check-out line was the fact that it was hilarious.

Also, I am strong and I can handle things.

Now, goodnight.